Three Steps to Better Sex (2004)

Violet Rose

Sounds, stated desire, anticipation

Some people say that all sex is individual taste, thus you cannot teach “better sex” techniques, but I disagree. Kids in American schools are taught how to put a condom on a banana, and then told to go on their way. Where do we learn better sex technique in safe and open environments, where experimentation is accepted and applauded? Most feminist websites have a whole section dedicated to “sex abuse,” yet I see very few feminist websites with a “sexual pleasuring” page, which is truly sad and quite telling. Additionally, it is illegal for women to go topless in most cities, yet you can buy a magazine of a woman without her top on at any 7-11 store. So, you can sell breasts, but you cannot wear breasts, in America. The way Americans learn about sex is very sheltered, full of Christian taboo, distorted by corporate porn and the media, and too many people are having bad sex due to this. It is time we openly discussed all aspects of sex from its power dynamics to its physicality. If you are not comfortable talking about safer sex precautions before and during sex, for example, then you should not be engaging in sex. If you cannot talk about safer sex, then you probably cannot talk openly about your sexual desires either, so it is never too early to start opening your sexuality up for more sexual responsibility and freedom, and less sexual dogma. The purpose of this article is to get people thinking creatively about sex. To get folks to start using logic with their sex, and to cut down taboos, so more pleasuring can occur in responsible sexual environments.

There are several things that can make sex better across the board, for most people. One of the most obvious, yet most often overlooked, is SOUND. Little is more stimulating than your lover audibly overcome with rapture. I think the sound of sex is what is appealing to many about porn, honestly. I know in group sex environments, once you hear one voice overcome in pleasure, things loosen up for the whole room and people want to be more sexual immediately. I recorded myself orgasming (for real, not faked) for the background track on a musical recording I did once. I noticed that the recording made everyone in the studio squirm when we played it. I gave it to my lover, and it drove him crazy with desire. The idea was to hear myself, to explore myself, and thus, I purposely made tapes of just me orgasming, not me and another together, as in a couple having sex on a tape. We would hit “record” on a tape recorder and the whole lovemaking session would focus on me and be recorded, and all you could hear, purposely, was me orgasming and plateauing repeatedly. I found it interesting not only to compare tapes over the period of years and how they changed, but also it was interesting to hear myself in animal-like sexual passion. Usually I am too involved to hear myself, so it is intriguing to hear yourself in that way. And it is ridiculously hard to NOT go have sex after listening to yourself, or your lover, wildly sigh and squirm and release and build with voice, but no words, during sex on audio tape. Letting out sound is incredibly liberating during sex.

You can learn how to have more passion in your freedom to make noise during masturbation, just as one learns other things through masturbation. (I had one friend who suggested making love to yourself in a full length mirror once, just for the experience. This same person recommended orgasming while looking in your own eyes while masturbating to learn how to be more present in sex). I have noticed that women, more than men, have learned how to be quiet in sex. I know for me, I was taught through Christian brainwashing that was very subtle, that feminine women did not show pleasure during sex, as crazy as that is. You were supposed to be a complacent and submissive vehicle for men to masturbate in, basically! But I found out with experience, that lovers liked women who were rowdy and alive and passionate and craving sexual fulfillment too, much more than silent women who would lie in bed like a dead catch.

The second better sex tip is to take responsibility for your own desires and learn how to VERBALIZE YOUR DESIRES OUT LOUD. Too many women, when asked what they would like sexually, say, “Whatever you want is fine.” THAT IS NOT AN ANSWER. Too many women do not experience sexual fulfillment because they have no idea what gets them off sexually. And how would they know if they have just been experiencing sex as a silent receptacle? The first step is to get honest and to assess what actually excites you, and then, the big step, I think, is to learn to VERBALIZE YOUR DESIRES. This is much bigger than people realize. Saying OUT LOUD to a sexual partner, what you actually want, is ridiculously difficult and requires a large amount of mutual trust. The tricky part in expressing your desires, I have found, is in finding someone you can trust enough to tell them what you DO NOT like sexually, as it is happening, without them becoming defensive, and freaked out as if you expressing your desires is a rejection of their sexual technique. (One exercise around this is to offer two different things to a lover, and have them choose one…do this over and over to learn what they like without risking the whole rejection as it happens thing…) Likewise, if you are not comfortable saying what you do not like in sex, during sex, it makes sense you cannot say what you do like. But if you can find safe people to explore with (oft times it is just a matter of asking close friends, they are sluttier than you may think, in all reality), you will find that you can exponentially increase your sexual pleasuring, if you can learn how to shed taboos and say what you want and like. Which requires you learning what you do like. And this translates into the actual lovemaking session too. Say out loud, “that feels really good” as it is happening, during sex, to become PRESENT in your lovemaking, and to guide your lover. Allow yourself and your lover to acknowledge your pleasure and joy. It is okay to experience pure physical joy openly.

I used to go to women-only erotic massages with my lesbian lover/partner I lived with. The massages involved about 20 women, and 4 massage tables. We would each get 20 minutes on the table, in groups of 5. So that would mean about 2 * hours of massaging, but mixed with taking rests, snacking, socializing, it was a day’s event. We would meet at one woman’s house, we would all take off our clothing, and the groups would then put one woman on the massage table, in each group, with 4 around her to attend to her, and ask her what she wanted sexually. I remember my first time, I said, “anything will be fine.” These women would not have that. They said, “do you want us to touch your genitals?” I said “okay.” Now, come on! I was at an erotic massage. Obviously I wanted to interact with genitals, but these women taught me to SAY IT! OUT LOUD! They taught me that it is alright to say, “YES! I DESIRE SEX! RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW, LIKE THIS,” and what is wrong with that?! After my lame passive shit my first time on the massage table, saying “whatever is fine…”, the next woman was on the table, and asked what she wanted. She said specifically what she wanted. She said “I want someone to make out with me, while someone else plays with my nipples, and I would like hand sex with my vagina and then after a while, I would like this dildo to be used, and in this manner…” I was STUNNED and envious as hell! Here I had been given 20 minutes to ask for whatever I wanted, and I wasted it on a nice little massage, but it was not sexual, really. And who was my uptight bullshit serving? Now this woman was going to leave sexually fulfilled, instead of sexually frustrated like I was. I wanted to become her.

My lesbian partner and I were very envious of the women who openly could ask for what they wanted like they did. Even though she and I were obviously working on learning about our sexuality if we were attending erotic massages, we still were working through decades of sexual brainwashing. Just becoming open lesbians had been a big change for us. And then to now learn how to reclaim our sexuality as ours, and to redefine it, was a huge task. We both agreed that the next erotic massage we would ask for what we wanted sexually. Yet, the next massage we still were intimidated and did not ask for what we really wanted. I mean, it was not every day we had access to 8 hands at once like that! We regretted not using those situations to their full advantage each and every time once we got home. We thought we would try practicing asking for what we wanted out loud at home, and even that was hard! But that was how we worked on it, by practicing saying it at home! So I encourage you to say OUT LOUD, alone at home, WHAT YOU WANT SEXUALLY. Practice that interaction! Practice those words. Learn how to SAY what you want, learn how to SAY IT OUT LOUD. Of course, that involves learning what you like sexually, and that is another article entirely.

So, we have discussed two tips, using SOUND, and learning how to STATE YOUR DESIRES OUT LOUD (which involves the subtext of learning what you do like). The last tip that this article can hold (due to length restraints) is the use of “ANTICIPATION.” This one tool can drive one mad with desire and explosive ecstasy when used properly. There are a million applications for this when you think about it. Much of BDSM sensation play is based on withholding ecstasy until one finally has anticipation built to a fantastic level (but that is also another article). Playing with intense, teasing foreplay, and reeling one in through incremental stages of excitement is not time wasted, when mind-blowing pleasure is achieved as the result. Speed is an effective means of anticipation, and can be used in many ways. For penis play, for example, you can start with a few light strokes for about 4 seconds on the shaft and head. Then stop and go to something else for a minute or two. Then return, and stroke the shaft and head for 8 seconds. Then leave and do something else, so they think that you have moved on. But then, again, in another minute or two, return to the shaft and head, and this time, stroke lightly a few seconds, then go down on the shaft with mouth or hand. Then go to something else, then in a few minutes return. And intensify it a little each time. Until they are anticipating the increments and you can then start adding speed to the mix. Start getting intense, but slowly. Then you can make the movements faster with excitement and as one gets more enthralled.

For women, there is a move called “ringing the doorbell.” You push the clitoris lightly, like ringing a doorbell, very casually, and with proper finesse, then move on to other things, as if you did not ring the doorbell. Then after a minute or two, go back and casually, and lightly, ring the doorbell again, etc. A bit of this and most women I have played with, and myself, want you to quit just ringing the doorbell and to come inside for a spell of more bell ringing and other fun. There are a ton of ways to build anticipation, and the category of anticipation is one worthy of research and development among sexual skills. So there you have it, three things you can work on today for better sex. Making more fabulous sounds while lovemaking, learning about your sexual desires and learning how to verbalize them out loud, and lastly, get creative in your applications of anticipation in your lovemaking.