And another thing, for clarity's sake, I am not discussing relationship models here: polyamory, monogamy or non, multi-fidelity, self-sexing, sleeping around, etc. Who we do it with and how we negotiate these relationships is indeed a part of having great sex, don't get me wrong. These preferences evolve and fluctuate. The intricacies are limitless and differ based on individual experiences. Therefore, discovering which models work for us, who we are attracted to, how we show it and how often, are personal choices I'd rather keep distinct from the issues I am about to go off on.
Okay, Sex. Comfort in one's skin and sexuality, consent and self-care are an essential backdrop to this discussion. For me there is no way to have freeing sex if I am not actively checking in with myself and whoever I am having sex with about emotional and physical comfort and openness. If folks are shutting down, going on to the ceiling, disassociating or not that into it, then how the fuck can it be any good? Knowing what one wants is not easy, as we are taught very boring and limited sexualities in this culture. Part of what can make sex so revolutionary is discovering what it is we like and pushing ourselves (consensually of course) to and beyond our limits.
Here is where I go into 5 components that enhance my sex life. Hopefully this information is useful or at least entertaining. Some elements I have recently noted as being helpful to my sex life are laughter, role-play, gender fucking, lube, and physical boundary pushing.
LaughterI laugh a lot during sex. Solo laughing is a recent addition to my sex life. It can be diverse; from a coy giggle, to a belly laugh, to laughing at myself at an awkward moment or just as a way to communicate joy. Oftentimes, new lovers are curious about why I am laughing. Am I laughing at them? What sparked that chuckle? My answers vary as what inspires a giggle really depends on what is going on. However, I always explain that I am not laughing at them and try to relieve any insecurities or anxieties my gaiety may bring up. Usually this is well received and may even inspire peals of relieved laughter. Plus laughter is contagious and can put folks more at ease. One may laugh solo or in unison w/ sex partners. For me, laughing with lovers during sex is different than spontaneously laughing as a release. Sometimes I laugh to relieve tension- not get so caught up in my "performance". You know, seeming slick and skilled and oh so sexy. I mean honestly, what we are doing is goofy and silly and in fact hilarious. There is a myth that we should act a certain way during sex; virile, coquettish, animalistic, blasé, submissive, dominant, alluring etc. Laughing helps me hush those "you should be fill in the blank" voices. It neutralizes the tape-loops that play in my head, freeing me from self-imposed expectations of hotness based on media-inspired sources. Laughing is also a good way to express sensation. Noise in general during sex is, in my opinion, a fabulous added layer to events. Sound can act as a reflection of what is going on and also act as a release for the sensations being experienced; crying, screaming, moaning, gasping are all marvelous additions to this sex symphony. Something about laughing, for me, just enhances the intimacy and the experience in general.
Role- PlayAdding some drama to the scenario can provide many things: lessen other social/psycho/dramas that folks tend to drum up when the issue of sex arises, keep things interesting and creative, help explore different identities, help approach taboo subject matters, and be healing from past traumas, just to name a few. I notice that sometimes we get stuck in sex roles or sex acts. I encourage myself and others to not get stuck in roles like butch or femme or top or bottom or daddy or slave. I think those roles are awesome, but anything gets boring if not tweaked or switched up from time to time. It is very easy to stick with what we're good at or cling to a role or identity out of habit or just plain comfort. Role-play can be a great way to challenge one's rigidities and discover hidden perversions in a safe context.
Switching up roles is exactly as it sounds; availing oneself the opportunity to receive when previously being the provider; taking turns sucking and being sucked, biting and being bitten, slapping and being slapped, holding and being held, fucking and being fucked, you get the picture.
Story telling is another version of role-play. For me this includes setting up characters in a setting with a plot. It can get intricate with scripts or songs, heck even a dance routine. The important thing here is that everyone is okay with where the story goes. Also these scenarios can leave the bedroom and social norms. Here is where many taboos can be explored; intergenerational sex, and inter-species sex (you'll be the farmer and I'll be the livestock) are a few examples of such taboos. These games could challenge political and social norms in positive and smarty-panted ways. For me it is important to remember that this is fantasy and that these role-play scenarios set up safe consensual spaces for folks to go there consciously, critically, humbly and with an open mind.
Reading aloud can also be a fun way to explore roles. Reading stories, erotic or not aloud can absolutely add a certain something to the moment. It gives an added activity and focus and brings in more opportunity for fetishes. For example, reading an entomology dictionary, political theory, or porn to each other adds a certain geeky quality that can really do it for folks.
And finally drag, props and outfit sex. These dramatic elements can really heat up a moment. Messing with outfits and identities and incorporating them into a sex scene can be so erotic. Beyond changing the physical location, adding new physicalities can heighten the reality and challenging nature of a scene. In my experience, I could get hotted-out just by someone’s outfit, so incorporating costume changes works wonders in the bedroom. Just imagine what the addition of a mermaid outfit, a map, and kitchen utensils could add to your sex life.
Of course all these examples are not mutually exclusive and often get mixed up altogether; outfits, role-playing, story telling, reading aloud and whatever else you can think of, the more the merrier, sillier, nastier.